Gotta Figure This Out

Kind of the theme song of my life right now. (And just an all-around amazing song)

Only once has this song been truer for me then it is now. The summer before I left for college I all but had a mental breakdown. I didn't know what I wanted; I just knew it wasn't what I had. If anyone asked me about my plans or if I was excited, I had to fight off tears. I was completely lost and scared. I kept writting it off to nerves. Which I'm sure it was because I'm here now and I've been fine.

I've had a great year and made good friends that I wouldn't trade. But the feeling is coming back. I'm already nearing the end of my first year of college. And I'm getting summer-itis. And I'm getting the feeling that summer might not actually help.

I'm unsure about my classes and living arrangements for next year. I'm stressed about a massive research project that I have no desire to do. I'm thoroughly convinced that no one will hire me this summer. I want to be home and I want to be in Sun Valley. I want a job, but I don't want to miss out on the things I actually want to do. I want to go on grand adventures and then sit on my couch at home and read about grand adventures. I don't want ot sit in basements or living rooms wondering what to do. I've lost interest in school. The only classes I actually enjoy are creative writing and salsa, and even those are a struggle because they are in the evening. I don't really enjoy my lit class, even though it was my favorite class last term and the professor is as good as ever. Maybe it's what we are reading, or the looming research project, or the 8:30 am time slot. But still.

I've been spending my weekends reading, but now I've run out of cheesey fun books. I want to write, but the ideas are disjointed and fragmented. I listen to the same songs on repeat. I want to get into shape, but the motivation is never enough to get me to the gym.

It kind of feels like I'm on the edge and any moment the fall into the dark uncertainty will be here. (Melodramatic, right?) I feel like I'm stressed about things that aren't quite here yet, but I'm not really doing anything to make it better. There are things I'm looking forward to, but they don't seem quite real; just out of reach. I was amazed the other day at how great some positive feedback from my workshopping group in creative writting made me feel. I guess I'm realizing that I don't want the worlds of research and academia--an idea I'm probably reflecting in part from my brother, who is trying to figure out where to go next. I'm not at the turning point he is, but it kind of feels like I will be before I'm ready.

So I'm going to back to dreaming in color--of my grand adventures that I will make happen, even if it isn't as soon or as magical as I would like to believe. I'm not unhappy, but I keep looking forward to what is coming, for better or worse. I'm not content with content.

Soundtrack for this blog post:
Erin McCarley- Gotta Figure This Out,  Pitter Pat (anything else by her. Listen to her, she is great and this is my mindset right now)
Matt Nathanson- Car Crash